FLASHBACK: February 22, 2006 - Publius is not dead

I may be biased, but these just get better and better!


Date: February 22, 2006 1:30:26 PM EST
To: sharksbite@yahoogroups.com
Subject: a confederacy of dunces

Hola, amigos. I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've had a fistful of problems lately. Sure, my job may be a hassle, but it's certainly not new and I don't have any kids (so none of them have the flu) but it's always sure nice talking to you. I thought I would dispense with the litany of excuses. Perhaps it was my hope to see the old Asian man running down Tryon. But I haven't seen him since September 2nd when I was in the Dowd Y. He punched a mean bag! Wow. I hope he is well. Perhaps he put on too many sweatsuits and just disappeared like Ben Kenobi... So these days all I have left in those environs is to watch loyal reader Brittany's car each day to make sure the hookers hanging outside the Uptown Cabaret aren't using his car for tricks. And of course nothing to report with the completion of that construction job, although the east side still remains half demolished. It seems rather logical why construction would take so long. If you were a construction worker, wouldn't that be your dream job?

Speaking of finishing construction projects, the work on South Boulevard between East and 277 that caused me to take famous detours is now nothing more than a distant memory. But fear not, my daily journey up South Boulevard is always full of amazing adventures and situations to ponder. I thought I would take you on a detailed journey regarding some of the many interesting businesses and how they entertain my noggin' as I journey north every day. Pat McCrory may have made the comment South Boulevard is a dump, but hey - it's my dump!

While the journey technically begins at Seneca where I join South Boulevard, I recently discovered that the Hooters just to the south suddenly closed and went out of business. This is quite a shock as I thought the business of creating money out of boobies was a sure thing. Maybe I should blame myself, as I never patronized the establishment. It's always tough to see a business near your home go out of business, as it could affect property values, but the truth is I don't care for Hooters and I think their wings are adequate at best. Maybe I am a little bitter about my last visit, which was with my Washington friends in Vegas last April. Our waitress Pamela Jean really put a number on us, giving us a bogus phone number and promised to hang out after her shift - all for a big tip. She told us she was an aspiring songwriter and even gave us her website - http://www.pamelajean.net! My friend Russell had a web-enabled phone so we got to see her crouching behind her guitar right away. And that was it. What a huge surprise. Whoops - I violated the sacred Las Vegas mantra - but that was hardly exciting.

But I digress as that building is not on my route. Right at Seneca and South I begin with The Cobber, a private bar that looks quite shady. My former housemate told me they were racist and only invited white people to join. I did believe her at the time, but it later became apparent she lied about a great many things. Perhaps it was my fault. I should have instructed her that my heirloom spoons were only to be used for cereals, soups, and like food products - not to prep her heroin. I hope I will be more clear next time. I don't see that cute woman with the USAT sticker anymore but the first live person of interesting stands outside the Liberty Income Tax business, dressed like a fool in a Statue of Liberty outfit wildly waving to passerbys to remind them it is tax season and perhaps you should entrust your financial information to the shady people inside - who no doubt promise you a great loan in anticipation of your BIG refund. No thank you.

After crossing Woodlawn my scientific curiosities are aroused. You see, I pass two businesses that are in the auto enhancement business. The first is CPR racing where Asian kids trick out their Honda civics with nitro and pizzazz! The other is called Carolina Rock Shop. For the longest time I had no idea what the hell they sold, but I did notice these totally raised and pimped out Jeeps. Those who frequently run the Monday route and notice things no doubt have spotted one of these Jeeps parked on Cottage. So I finally went to their website (http://carolinarockshop.com/) and learned they did in fact pimp out Jeeps for extreme 4x4 adventuring. So anyway, I have been thinking about some experimental designs to discern the statistical differences, if any, between the average penis lengths of those two clienteles, or perhaps pooled versus men who drive normal cars. Perhaps some t-tests - anything so I can derive a p-value. Man, it's been a long time since I calculated one of those! Gathering the data is the part I can't get past.

One of my great mysteries is this woman I see walking southbound almost every day, almost always north of Scaleybark. Every day at 8:50, she is in the same place. Sometimes she is walking with a small child, but not always the same child. I see her every day and I know nothing about her. One day I was really late to work and I made the amazing discovery that she turns onto Scaleybark instead of proceeding down South. Every day. Way more regular that the mysterious old Asian dude. I sometimes want to stop and just say hello, but that's probably a little too weird.

The most humorous business I see is Buggy Bumpers. It makes me smile. Turns out it is auto repair shop. Go figure. There is also a new doggie daycare place near South End. I've seen a few more around town pop up. I often wonder if that business has a legitimate shot at growth. I didn't even know until recently dogs get diagnosed with the restless behavior and have to be tended to and drugged. No one escapes the wrath of the pharmaceutical companies. They are all EVIL - except the one Ms. Cantey works at. She sure is swell! Although her laugh in the vicinity of animals may be construed as animal testing...

Of course the big news on South Boulevard is construction of the light rail. This includes creating sidewalks on the actual street, so that construction is currently hampering my commute a bit, but nothing too aggravating. By that I mean taking detours past the residences of former girlfriends.

If you've waded this far through the journey into my South Boulevard psyche no doubt you are dying to get a washer and dryer update. Things are going well! My old housemate scratched up the dryer and unfortunately the top has started to rust! It is sad and I tried a little paint. With the cold weather the utility room is not heated so I try to be kind. And of course I am the only one using it at the moment.

I bring up the washer and dryer because I think there is an important debate that needs to occur within Sharksbite regarding the drying of running gear. Recently I arrived at a run suffering from extreme static cling on my shirt. I remarked this was the case since I did not machine dry any non cotton/poly running gear. Devout reader Chris (known to many Sharksbite members as Care Bear Chris) voiced his opinion that he machine dried everything because he was lazy and it required too much effort. I wonder if there are any white papers or data to back up the pro or cons of this important dilemma. I can tell you from experience that machine drying silk boxers is a big mistake.

I hope everyone is enjoying the Winter Olympics! I came into the whole thing a bit bitter. You see, one of my high school colleagues, Jill Bakken, surprised the world in 2002 by winning Gold in the Women's Bobsled with Vonetta Flowers. And I patiently waited for her return in 2006 - but she was cut from the team at the last second! So the USA team is cursed as far as I'm concerned - that's why they had to settle for silver this year. I did find out there was another hometown favorite to cheer for, downhill skier Scott McCartney, who actually placed the highest in Super G. That of course brings me to Bode Miller, who is obviously giving me a bad name! I finally saw footage of that Lisa Jacobelis chick "snow-boating" - I don't think she would have done that had she done MasterCard commercials instead. The most amazing race I watched to date was the men's 12.5km biathlon pursuit. Wow! As one of Swedish heritage, I disdain Norwegians so when that French skier powered past my-name-is-too-long my heart was pounding! Of course, I like cross-country skiing as I grew up partaking in the sport. I need to get my skis from home sometime soon...

I think it's time for this missive to conclude, but I did want to thank everyone who has encouraged me to write.

publius

"There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about." - Oscar Wilde